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Dr Froswa’ Booker-Drew answers your questions, putting her years of experience and practice into the goal of solving those knotty problems that beset us, and assuring us: ‘you’ve got this’. If you’d like Froswa’ to look at your particular problem, email it to managingeditor@thebusinesswomanmedia.com.
Question: One of my coworkers speaks to me with a total lack of respect. He’s not abusive as such, but the tone and language are as if he considers me to be stupid. I’m not. But how can I address this without making it seem like I’m neurotic?
In my days as a college student…let’s just say some years ago, I attended a Prince concert. I was there with my best friend, Chris, and I continued to inform her that Prince was staring at me. Although we were sooooo many rows from the stage, I was convinced he was looking at me and I needed to get to him. How could he see all of the other women or anyone else for that matter when I knew his eyes were glued to me the entire concert. Some may believe it was delusional. Chris might tell you that I was dealing with a form of neurosis. I disagree with those assessments of the reality of that night in the early 90s. It wasn’t neurosis, trust me… You, my dear, should not worry about the perception of being neurotic to your co-worker who obviously has a lack of professionalism. You are dealing with someone that seems to have a superiority complex or the inability to see how their actions impact others. Whatever is the root cause of their behavior, you don’t deserve to be treated that way. Although I am not there to hear the way you are addressed, it appears to be a form of bullying. I am a firm believer that disrespect should not be tolerated. In my opinion, I think you should have a conversation with your co-worker NOT about how you feel but your expectations for a productive working relationship. Whenever you are addressing an issue with someone, do not use “You” statements. First of all, it gives your power away. Use “I” statements and let them know what is acceptable and unacceptable to ensure a positive, productive and peaceful working relationship. Define your boundaries as well. I’ve learned that sometimes people behave the way they do because there has been some boundary confusion. Make sure that when you establish those boundaries that you are consistent with your co-worker. Otherwise, sending mixed messages (I.e. laughing off a comment that was meant to be demeaning to you) after you’ve had the conversation can create a lot of confusion and for someone with those issues. They will see it as an opportunity to run over you and any other boundaries you’ve created. Make sure that after the conversation, there is a recap sent in email to review the discussion. This should be a two-way conversation and include what the co-worker needs for a productive relationship as well. If the conversation lands on deaf ears, bring in someone on the job that can serve as a mediator to work through the situation with you like a well-respected, trusted colleague and if that doesn’t work, you should escalate the situation by speaking with a supervisor or documenting with HR. Working in an environment that is belittling is not in your best interest and doesn’t serve you well. Start the conversation–on your terms –in a safe place (define this as well—What do you need mentally, physically, etc. for it to work for you?). You. Got. This.
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